It was after the first week that I began to fear she wouldnt make it. So much its crazy. I try to keep positive and remember that the love I have for him is stronger than anything in this world. I hope you are well, and have found solid ground on which to stand. A battle every day to overcome his heart disease with swollen limbs from heart failure. I would like to contact to Emma J Andrews. "A year without you has felt like an eternity. I do what I have to do in the house the rest of the time I lay in my bed. I loved her so very much and nothing in life has hurt as bad as losing her and the feelings of guilt and believing I murdered her no matter what anyone says. Still, I never felt more alone. I realize that he still loves me and is looking out for me. I cant say I know how you feel for every bereavement is utterly personal, but when I mentioned to my brother that I was crying so much and surprised at myself (not being a great crier) he said Well you cant just shrug off 45 years of togetherness can you? My husband died after autopsy report. Ill say my farewell now to you all . Less than a week went bytraumatized despite all of this, but coping. I have found the experience to be brutal, stripping, sapping, and completely devastating. When a friend's parent passes away, it can be hard to know what to say to them. that came with her struggle. Im basically still just going through the motions, something in my soul cracked this year when i lost them. Crying is healing. Health officials have previously recommended that most people receive a booster shot of COVID-19 vaccine more than eight months after completing their original vaccine regimen. Where did that year go? I thought I was coping my kids where still trying to cope with there own grieve. My husbands emotional return Im struggling daily just to go on. I have been so sad lately; crying like it happened yesterday, asking, WHY again, unable to breatheand then I realized I was still experiencing the year of firsts.. this was the first year of no firsts.. My husband died 1 year ago. We experience the acute phase of grief, or the moment right after passing. My husband of 54 yrs. But I still have so many questions. My Dad died back in 2001. 6 more people passed including my father. I pray, I go to church and lay in my husbands arms but still no relief. Not a future without him, because we never lose them, but a future with him in your heart and so much new exciting stuff and people, in your life. I know how you feel. I wish I were there to give you a hug. The reality is that Im still and will probably always grieve for him. I cant escape it. I was a person with very strong faith, but this life changing event has caused me to question all Ive ever believed. My wife and I where always together. I hope everyone gets to love and be loved that much. i guess thats it for my self pity party. As much as I hate to admit it (because it wasnt in my nature to even think this way), more often than not I think to myself: Whats the point?. That was when I died- I ask of God the same- Why leave me? Kids will find their lifes and live it. I just wish I could see him, kiss him and hug him one last time but most importantly tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I try to stay busy but most of the time its just around our house. Now I have hit rock bottom. Our world was turned upside down and inside out. I kept to dog and she has helped but is also a reminder of what Ive lost. I am functioning okaytaking care of my responsibilities. Is it because the 1 year anniversary brings back intense pain & memories? Im sorry for your loss. I want you to know that I feel alone without you. I cry everyday. And i can relate with you. I feel your pain .. I have grown children but they have their lives and are busy with their kids activities. I agree with you and everything you are saying. At night I look at the sky and make a wish on the brightest star I see, believing it is you. Sudden death is what they called it, his kind and gentle heart just stopped beating. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, youll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. I understand now that he is gone but the yearning has been unbearable lately. Time Flies Quotes. But the grieving does not last all day but while it going on its intense. Grief is Grief. Thank you to everyone who has posted. For me, Everyday is a shocking reminder that my husband is not with me. I feel disconnected most of the time but I am getting glimpses of myself outside of grief or with making friends with my grief and my life. Most people think i am handling everything well and going on with my life but behind what people see is a much differant person than what is on the outside.. there are a few people closest to me that i know see behind the curtains of my soul. So thank you for all the sharing here. I dont weep all the time now but I can hit all at once, mostly at inappropriate times. Ive had cancer & this is far more painful on a daily basis. Things are familiar, but not clear, not altogether solid. The death of a child is brutal, messy, cruel. I was told by a nurse in hospice to sit with him and let him know Id be alright if he left. They say it will get easier, man I hope it does. I had cranky moments like everyone but now Im on a roller coaster I cant get off. Im so sorry for your losses. None of this will bring her back. I pray for all of us that someday we will find true joy again. I work , but hate my job.I try to find a sense of normality. The former Bachelor in Paradise star penned a . But the assumption for most is that as long as they can get through that, it should be smoother sailing in the days ahead. Wishing you peace on this day of remembrance. I was with my husband for 45 years of my life. For a long time, fear of dropping the ball was governing my life. I am just miserable, with no future in sight. I wish Good would hear my prayers and take me away. Or 50 feet tall. Sometimes I find myself asking Did this really Happen? Ive been struggling but its been manageable. Try not to do that to your other child. I was always even keeled but now experience such unusual highs and lows. People dont understand the loss. He was 47. But expectations are a big part of our mindset, even when were not in the stages of grief. Hope for the future feels like nothing more than pretty words for fairy tales. But here I am. Sadly you and I are far from alone. I have a 22 yr old daughter who lives with me and a 24 yr old son who lives with friends . I hope you learn to cope with this terrible grief, I hope you have people who are kind and stay around you. I dont do holidays with my kids or anyone: I cant. I dont mean Im suicidal, but I feel like a rudderless ship being blown aimlessly about on an endless ocean. The cancer was already in his liver when they found it, so all that could be done is chemo to give him a little more time. To have some exchange to feel better or to go forward. I have actual pain when the tears come and my grief is not abating. Was just trying to forget my past and start over again a fresh start but all that came down hill when I was in college and had a panic attacked in one class realizing that it was time for me to deal with the truth. I hope my jumbled messy comments can help any who think about self harm. But the pain is almost over bearing. This year, it seems as if my thoughts revolve around all the treatment my deceased wife got that didnt help, treatments she could have received, and a yearning for one more. One more smile, a hug, a kiss, a conversation, a meal together. Well in February 2017 the puppies went to their new homes. Instead of it being sharp its full and aching. And I dont apologise for these indulgences they are my medicine, my vitamins, my support. Its been 2years and 2 months and some days it feels like yesterday all over again. And tonight I'll fall asleep with you in my heart. I left the day they told me my husband was dying g to get my two young adult children. Many loves lost as I mature. I lost my amazing husband to colon cancer 2 years ago. There are a number of things you can do to help a grieving cat to overcome the loss. I am heart broken but as a lot of you have mentioned, it is just a different life of getting used to breathing and coping on my own.. In two months it will be a year since my mom died. visitors from Social Media Sites (referrals) I am having a horrible time with not having him and I do not know if I will ever be free of my horrible grief. I too had the months of legal stuff and find things he used to do and now my responsibility rather hard. I am beyond broken and I am into the second year and it is so much worse than the first for all the reasons mentioned by the write of this article and all the things you say are true, Hi my friend . In 2015 something started to affect my wife of 32 years. Something that helped me was meeting others and making new traditions. so be it . All I can say is my best to you and sadly we are not alone in our thoughts. He had lung cancer but had been ill for years and I cared for him all that time . How can we possibly ever recover. Its been two years coming up and the loss has gotten worst. Now someone has died on every major holiday. If you're a writer, poet, or musician, compose something. Valetines. Losing a Brother I hear very little about. very long visit duration I HAVE TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE for my kids. That said; allow others in. Last night, I had the most powerful dream! Dont compare yourself with those whom you know have had a loss. Just like so many of you who have graciously shared your journey here, when grief came, I too found myself unable to stand, lying on the floor and calling out his name, over and over again. How do I move on. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Death cannot kill what never dies" - William Penn. Opened the door and he had passed during the night of a pulmonary embolism. "The life of the dead is placed in the heart of the living" - Cicero. it has suddenly hit home I will never get on that plane to see him, Ill never be able to bring him home and look after him like he looked out for me. Megan truly gets it. Crying every day is my normal now. But life sure is hard at times and not having my kids to support me and love me and just be there for me its hard but I am a survivor always have been and I always will be. I also think it is the type of loss. I just so miss him by my side and our endless hours of talks. This is good to know. There seems no point although I try to pray. I was compelled to write this because I have no where or no one to talk to about this emptiness that I fear that nothing will ever fill this emptiness because I have lost the past present and future. At least in reading others words I feel that were not alone. Linda, I was with my husband less than ten years, I have found time together is not what counts, it is how deeply you loved. The one thing I asked my counselor was why, why would I do that? I lost my husband of 43 years on June 2016, on our sons 24th birthday. Thanks to you priest manuka for what he has done for me! Im almost at 18 months after my wife of almost 24 years died.nothing has got better.i still have my three cats.thats it.I have no living relatives or children im almost 63 disabled and struggle daily just to survive now. Wanting to die in order to join the loved one. He died in my arms. Guided meditation is so co forging and helpful to me! I lost my husband of 44 years 14 months. I feel so helpless and guilty to have lost her. He was so above pettiness and saw things though a better side of life. They always say it will get better. My other children are adults but they thought they lost their mom along with their brother because I was not there emotionally. Before, at least I had some role to play in this horrific scene, but now it feels as though there is an even duller grayness about everything. The first few months of the second have been harder for me than any of the FIRSTS of the first year, Miss him everyday, My mom passed last May of 2017 and it will barely be a year this May and I dont know why but I am having a hard time, harder then when she first passed. May God bless your soul. I still cry daily but Im told thats not how it is for everyone. Hello, I lost my husband May 2015 suddenly and we have a small child who is now 5. God left me here for a reason, I just dont know what for. "It's been a year since you passed and your presence is always missed.". That makes me mad in itself that I cant compare this loss to others for so many different aspects. I miss her so bad. We been together for 46 years. I lost my dad 14 months ago, and today I feel as though I had just lost him this morning. Wew!! I lived on chicken nuggets and pop tarts for the first year. He embraced his few enemies He was my hero and I still miss him terribly. I struggle to find ways to fill the time and have struggled to find friends who get it. Reading all of the comments on this forum I just dont feel that my grief is normal- I love and miss him so so much so just dont understand how I can just carry on with my life and am not at breaking point anymore. I was no longer surviving it, I was Feeling it. A week later he was so weak he was hospitalized then sent to hospice and then he was gone. How does one explain, the years of laughter, loving, holding hands, winks toward each other, many, many memories of simple days My journey is about making a meaningful life, and you can. Anyway it felt good to post this here. The grief is invisible to everyone around me, and Im too proud to let anyone in. I cant function. He lived with leukaemia for 7 years and it was being managed and seemed to be doing well. But those grief waves keep on coming when you dont expect them. Forgive yourself. But I dont want it to not matter. I feel your pain every moment of every day. I think the only thing worse would be the lose of a child that is the club I never want to be a part of. He died in hospice and seeing him in a comma 9 days, and finally passing on still plays in my mind. She was just 51 years old and bravely battled cancer for six years. I am at the 16 month mark and it seems to be getting harder. Trying to picture myself living another 30 to 40 years without him feels impossible. Brain tumour April 2017 blood clots July 2017 diagnosed with moderate cold August 2017 op for brain tumour Nov 2017 death of mum Nov 2017 deep vein reflux June 2018 he was my rock my life my only ever love and he is gone. Everyday I am wishing for him to come home, I am hoping that one day he would knock on the door and said Im home, the emptiness is killing me everyday, We misses him so much. I work, i come home and I go to bed and get up and do it all over. Im just so heavy hearted hearing everyones stories. It was such an intense time I was caring for her at nights and weekends and working full time during the day. There is a limit to the amount of money that we can pay to a family. Please keep me in prayer as I figure out what my nect steps are. Very first time I laid my eyes on my bf I was in love. I feel exactly the way you do. Dont expect today to be hard and tomorrow to be easy. He did have some medical issues but he pulled through all of them and then suddenly passed. Do I really like this person. I am English but have a wonderful friend in Alabama also a widow . Maybe its a person who is also floating. He let me sleep late as part of my anniversary gift, and so that day i never told him Good Morning, nor have a good day, nor Goodbye. I will continue the fight. Many blessings for all of you. My new challenge going forward. I was unaware that I had been in Survival Mode. he asked me in a parting note not to forget him, or my other brother who died in 2018 or my parents who went before. I lost my beautiful wife to colorectal cancer on Valentines Day 2020. I beg for at least a sign, that he hears me, and nothing yet He was diagnosed with Through Cancer 1 week and died 5 weeks later. 17 years, but only suffered the last 2 years as life drained away from him. In fact, a week after diagnosis (and at that time we didnt know the prognosis) the tumour haemorrhaged and 2 weeks after diagnosis, he died. 4. We all know that with life there is death. "To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die" - Thomas Campbell. My husband died at home just over one year ago. I am struggling with the grieving process and know it will only be worse when my parents pass. , too, lost my husband 2-1/2 years ago. Make little rituals thR help you feel close. And I mean nothing makes me happy anymore. I cannot fathom spending the rest of my days balanced on this double edged sword! "Time flies, whether you're wasting it or not.". I am just pretending Im ok, so my family does not worry about me, as I know I got to be strong for them. January 24, 2020, I came home from work and my husband (one of the best guys to ever walk the face of the earth) had passed away and we had been married for 47 years. At least we always made sure to tell each or other I love you before we parted on the phone or in person.And although there was a bit of a gap between us they were there for every stage of my life as a baby they helped my mom with me not because they had to no they wanted to,as a child they were my heros then as time went on the feeling was mutual and a bond grew It makes absolutely no sense now. Oh Holly We always hold my hand whether , We were watching TV, Driving in the car or going for a walk. Shapes of the clouds. And the griever may find themselves thinking, this isnt any easier. We have good days and bad days but the longing is always there. So I was been very very careful about how I was feeling questioning everything . My husband died suddenly, a little over two yrs ago. Arriving on Bainbridge Island is the opposite of arriving in Seattle. i find it hard to function, to get back to church, to get back to anything. I just feel like she was cheated out of so much by dying young and just six months after my daughter was born. and im back there again crying wishing id made more of that last year. English (US) Maybe it is because we all thought if we made it to the first anniversary how could the pain not ease up. (His name was Jackie) I have not had one good day. My husband died 8 mos ago. I understand your raw feelings and intense pain. He was suddenly diagnosed and died after his first chemo. The pain wont shrink, so I have to grow. I now regret it because little did I know he was grieving also, but I never knew because he was being strong for me. Im the only left to help them. Im remember things I wish I would have done and several moments I wish I could have done better. It was the Uncle who lived in the UK that was my one of my last links with my Mum & their early life, this is what is hitting me. I keep her teddy in my passenger seat, her picture on my dashboard. Ive come to realize that it never will. with friends like that, who needs enemies. We were together for 27yrs married 19 yrs. I have recently started a new job and have found that at my age, it is so much more of a challenge than it was just 10 years ago. So thats what am doing. 1. Lost my husband of 46 years Aug 2019. Anyway, I had strep throat one winter. I lost my soulmate 23 months ago and am surprised at the intensity of my sorrow. I have come to realize for myself that I ultimately need to move rid myself of too many artifacts of our life. Ive seen it dear. Strange to think I am now living longer them. Thanking God for the time I had with my husband we were together 36 years but it seems harder now. Now I know no matter what happens to me, at least mom is forever safe and even transcended death. Im only 2 months in after the loss of my husband. We were short 5 people for holiday dinner in one year. Especially the what ifs and could I have done more for him and remembering his courage during cancer treatment even at the time of his passing. My husband listens and understands and yet I continue to be sad. This is where Grief Coaching can help. Tried to find jobs, went on interviews but no call back. I want everyone reading this post to pray to God to take me. And I felt thankful that they went together and that they had each other. 1 February is our 11 marriage anniversary, can believe last year I was alone and this year tooyear. Please stay strong. We had planned to do so much during his retirement which never materialised. Ann Marie it gets better slowly. Be patient with yourself. It can be just about anythingand the wave comes crashing. My mom will be gone 2 years this coming May. I am done. I want to be with my Harry. Email him on: lordzakuza7 @ gmail. Today is the one year mark of my fathers passing and i can honestly say im no closer today than a year ago to finding any relief from the heartache i have felt since he left us. My mums been gone 7 years tomorrow she passed away 23/03/2005 due to melanoma cancer I was 13 years old I was very young and that was . I remember the meltdown in my life, Christmas day.realizing that I would never have another Christmas life my previous 20 years, I cried so hard, I didnt think I could have any tears leftbut they just kept coming. Just stay out of my life Im going to do what I want to do I am in love I am happy he loves me just leave me alone and let me have a life. and I know now I am not going crazy. We struggled to get answers until she was diagnosed with an extremely rare brain disease. I just loved my husband so much as we were together 49 years and never spent any time apart. I know Ill survive, but my life never is going to be the same. At 4 days old she came into my life as a bottle baby, I fought so hard to keep her alive, she defied the odds for 27 months. It is very hard to look at all these people in the face and lie with a smile on your face, telling them that youre okay.. When we are adjusting to oneness each day is a learning experience. I lost my bf jan-21-14. My mind is crying. Year 2.5 has made me more vulnerable to thoughtless remarks. We bought this old farm house many years ago and we worked hard to make it the home we wanted. Often I would repeat No, No, No to the point where it began to be so compulsive that it worried me. i am approaching the second year since my wife died unexpected she went to visit our son and died of a brain aneurysm non his front lawn- Married 36 years- every day is a struggle and as busy as i try to be having two children in their thirties i still feel so lonely when i am alone at bedtime, it is inconceivable that i can be happy again. But, by the end of the year, I felt like I survived. Early in 2011, I lost my little brother(31), and a beloved co-worker/friend, and my mother-in-law within 1 1/2 months. Iwant to stop talking about him as much, but cant. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can push myself to get past this hurdle. My Bill was my soulmate, best friend, husband and the love of my life for 40 years. I cannot go grocery shopping or I cry when I see his food. I miss him so much and want to be close to him again. He thought he had a muscle spasm under his shoulder blade, I ask him are you sure your chest doesnt hurt, your arm. Its heart breaking One of our dogs (Milo) a king Charles took a stroke two months before and died. However he ended up with 3 stage ulcers . We had 3 lovely children together. Christmas is upon us. After four years later I am now dealing with unresolved grief as well. Not everyone is like that just some of us. Thank God, we have 4 children and 10 grandchildren. Was told it would help. Then my son came to mind, he was having fun with his dad before he left for a walked, now hell wake up without him. Im so sorry. They are blessings. Technology is cruel, live pictures and videos make you see people in the past that once were eating dinner, and are now ashes on an urn. We fought about it all the time and would say nasty things to each other among the lies etc. I thought he slipped on the ice and hurt his back or knees. My faith keeps me standing, keeps me from losing it again. This effect makes it look like your fingernails, toenails and hair grew longer since you passed away. I have pictures of my late husband around the house I still miss him and so so loved him. I hope your finding your way grief is personal and the hardest life lesson Ive had to learn Its been 5 months for me though. When I was a freshman in high school, I got the call I'd been dreading for 10 years. I havent decided if thats true or not yet. People say that time heals every pain. Ill know when the time is right. :-(. I too lost the love of my life after 47yrs of marriage. No other moments were devoid of the heaviness on my heart. I try to stay very busy . My husband became an alcoholic 8 months before he took his life. I am a musician I play guitar a song that I came across hit me like bricks its called, Something You Get Though by Willie Nelson look it up. The timeline is based on data on when breakthrough infections occur. Eric, Im now at 27 months and he is still incredibly fresh in my thoughts everyday. I am just into my second year and the intensity of grieving seems to have increased. Very sad. I continue to struggle with that every single day. It feels like Ive lost a part of my life. We saw his body deteriorate the last 4 months and he held out for as long as he could for us. Like trying to collect hundreds of acorns in your arms and they keep falling while you desperately try to hang on to each and every one. I feel guilty that it doesnt; as if I am hanging on to the grief. I think that people mean well. A bomb went off in our home and hearts. My youngest son lost his battle to addiction Sep 30 2017. Absolutely no warning. its been 18 months since i lost my mum. If anyone can help me with this . My heart is breaking. But taking steps to understand your emotions and find support can . then finally she got the all clear and told she was a survivor. My everything. Just reading this now but I too have lost my fear of flying..it seems insignificant in all that has happened. I am really hoping as time goes by it gets better. My younger brother spent his birthday on our sisters funeral. But his plans now don't appear as concrete. Key groups, like the FDA and CDC, have already signed off on a booster dose for all . I beg for him to come home every day. I am about 17 months out. To survive is just being alive- I am not living. He was 74, had some health conditions, though not that serious & was relatively able, fit & healthy. My friends are the best and try to understand, but until you go through it, you can never truly understand the depth of this kind of loss. My heart goes out to all of you. Im so angry about that now, I could have took better care of him here with us. This pain is not forever. My story is very much like yours. I dont want to go anywhere but have to.